My first blog entry is a hard-hitting op-ed taking on the recent critics of that humble kitchen appliance, the toaster. An anti-toaster cabal seeks to eradicate the toaster from our daily existence, based on exaggerated claims that it is a safety menace. Hence, my unsolicited and completely non-partisan ode to the toaster.
A Toast: Why Toasters Matter
No other kitchen appliance has contributed more to the well-being of humankind than the toaster. Over-familiarity has slackened our appreciation of this magnificent device, and thus undermined its rightful status as the undisputed king of kitchen appliances. We merely have to consider for a moment the impoverished existence humankind would lead in its absence. Think of a life daily marred by merely bread, bread, and more bread — yet never toast. The magical transformation of bread into the crunchy delicacy we savor each morning is nothing less than a miracle; a worm to butterfly metamorphosis that our great ancestors could never have imagined, nor dared hope for. For untold centuries, the curse of stale bread universally oppressed our forebears. Had they owned a toaster, it’s quite likely that forbidden fruit would never have tempted Adam and Eve, and the disastrous consequences of the fall would have been averted.
Fortunately, we blessed moderns daily enjoy the genius of a Scotsman, who invented the toaster in 1893. How unfair that the Scotch are instead associated with that insufferably arrogant alcoholic beverage that bears their name — a travesty that all people of good conscience should reject. Because the humble toaster brings forth not inebriation and momentary escape from life’s troubles, but rather lucidity and premium carb energy to squarely face and overcome trials. Indeed, toast is Scotland’s great contribution to the world. Nor does the toaster require billboards and Madison Avenue to bolster its image and sales. The sublime golden-brown beauty of well-toasted bread speaks volumes, as does the “both-sides” warming efficiency of the toaster itself.
And yet, woefully uninformed toaster critics continue to assail it as unsafe, thereby failing to recognize its manifold secondary benefits. Among these craven haters is Wikipedia, which shamelessly proclaims that 800 people die each year due to fires and electrocutions stemming from toaster usage.
Yet, the most influential and persistent critics of the toaster are ordinary parents — sadly, regular moms and dads who have unwittingly damaged the toaster’s reputation. Any time a child seeks to dislodge a jammed Pop-Tart with a knife or fork, he or she is likely to be severely reprimanded by mom or dad.
The high-pitched and deafening cry of, “You’ll be electrocuted,” and the accompanying maternal histrionics, increasingly traumatizes over-protected American children. (A glaring example of the “wuss-ification” of our culture, which I’ll no doubt take up in later posts.) Prior to our current obsession with safety, children could freely extricate objects from hot toasters, and even enjoy the challenge of avoiding the harmless shocks, just as they seek to avoid the buzzer in the “Operation” board game.
Later in life, children subject to toaster scoldings and fear-mongering may miss out on its inexpensive lifesaving benefits. Thus, such children may hesitate at the time of a heart attack from promptly sticking a metal utensil into a hot toaster to jolt the heart back to life. Or, similarly, the severely depressed may miss out on the electro-shock therapy from a glowing toaster, and sadly guzzle radiator fluid instead. Such foolhardy hesitancy could be averted if, at their earliest ages, children learned to trust, rather than fear, their toasters.
In addition to curing heart disease and depression and other forms of mental illness, recent medical studies have shown that the toaster’s gentle electrical impulse can also effectively cure or retard psoriasis, bunions, ingrown toenails, constipation and diarrhea, acne, memory loss, aging, low IQ, head lice, insomnia, scoliosis, hemorrhoids, eczema, high blood pressure, morning sickness, incontinence, spider veins, ear wax over- production, and shingles.
No doubt, research will continue to uncover even greater benefits of the unassuming toaster, a true medical marvel. So, moms and dads, don’t freak when Junior sticks a metal spatula down a glowing toaster; be glad that his pimply complexion will be clear and smooth in just a few hours.
For all it’s amazing side benefits, though, let’s not forget the toaster’s magnificent everyday work, which brightens our mornings with tasty delight. So, raise a “toast” to this remarkable machine, a proven antidote to the humdrum ordinariness of life , and a beacon of hope for future generations on the promise and potential of kitchen technology to save and enrich lives.
This article was made possible by the generous support of Cuisinart, Hamilton Beach, Black and Decker, and other makers of fine toasters everywhere.
You have a way with words. I look forward to your next post.