AOC Seeks to Ban Santa Claus from U.S. Air Space
Washington, D.C. (AP) — At a press conference today, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (“AOC”) proposed legislation banning Santa Claus from U.S. air space, citing his discriminatory gift-giving practices. Specifically, AOC accuses Mr. Claus of a long history of giving better and more expensive gifts to rich kids as compared to poor kids.
“Santa Claus kowtows to our corrupt capitalist system that oppresses the poor while rewarding spoiled rich kids. It’s time we stop Santa from poisoning our kids’ minds with the idea that rich, greedy brats are more important than angelic, underprivileged children. Besides, he consistently takes bribes of eggnog and cookies in exchange for gifts.”
AOC was accompanied by 7-year-old Tommy Rivera and his single mom, Olivia from Queens, NY. AOC asked Tommy what he got for Christmas last year. “I got a crummy red bike that had lots of scratches on it.” Tommy answered. Olivia then shared that she bought Tommy’s bike used and slightly beaten up. “It’s the best I could afford,” she added. The day after Christmas, Tommy’s wealthy friend Ian came over riding a brand-new electric bike, decked out with electronics, including Bluetooth speakers and GPS, that retails for over $1500.
Tommy’s mom continued, “Tommy didn’t understand why Santa would bring him a crappy used bike while giving an expensive new electric bike to Ian. He sobbed uncontrollably and screamed ‘I hate Santa’ for several hours. And, instead of the usual letter with his wish list he sends to Santa, this year Tommy sent him a drawing of a big turd with the caption, ‘This is you, Santa.’”
In addition to her proposed legislation authorizing the U.S Air Force to shoot down Santa’s sleigh, she encouraged “MAGA Republican gun nuts” to use their AR-15 assault rifles to shoot at Santa and his reindeer if they attempt to land on rooftops across the nation. “That’s the only legitimate use for these guns that I can think of,” AOC noted.
In order to promote the true AOC Christmas spirit at the press conference, AOC’s staff blasted the Kink’s classic song, “Father Christmas” before and after her announcement.
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