Biden and Putin Play Chess to Resolve Ukraine Crisis
Washington, DC (A.P.) – According to sources inside the White House, President Joe Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin faced-off in a tense “winner-take-all” chess match to determine the fate of Ukraine. The A.P. has obtained a transcript of the recently concluded match, which took place online earlier today:
Biden: Good to see you, Vladdy, even if it’s just on a computer screen. I gotta warn, you, Buddy, that I’ve never lost a checkers game to any of my kids or grandkids – even Hunter, whose IQ is off the charts.
Putin: Mr. President, I think you are misinformed – the game we are playing is chess, Russia’s national pastime.
Biden: Okay, Vladdy, the squares are smaller and they’re not red and black. Big diff. I’m still gonna whip your Russian keister. I’m gonna start by moving one of these little blue collar Scranton guys.
Putin: Those are pawns, Mr. President, and you can only move them forward unless you’re capturing. Perhaps you should talk to your party leadership about how useful a mentally incompetent pawn in the highest office can be.
Biden: Very funny, Vlad. Hey, who are these pointy-headed guys on the back row?
Putin: Those are bishops, Mr. President. They move diagonally.
Biden: Well, we’ve still got separation of church and state in America. Get those anti-abortion theocrats off my side of the board!
Putin: Are you sure you want to surrender those pieces, Mr. President?
Biden: Yeah, I’ll still beat you to a pulp, Vladdy. America is all about diversity, and we all win when religion stays inside churches, where it belongs. What are those short guys with the funny cups on the top, Vlad?
Putin: Those are rooks, Mr. President.
Biden: Rookies! Like these newbies in Congress who haven’t learned to game the system? It took me 20 years to figure out how D.C. works, and another 20 to cash in with my boy, Hunter. AOC and these Dem rooks are killing us with their Leftist crap – get ‘em off my board!
Putin: That will seriously handicap you, Mr. President, but if you insist. 
Biden: And who are these two big shots with the crowns on the back line here?
Putin: That is the king and queen, Mr. President.
Biden: Hey, we don’t believe in that monarchy stuff here in America, Vlad. Just ask King Donald – I whupped him good. Get rid of ‘em! I’ll beat you with just the horseys and my little blue collar Scranton guys.
Putin: Certainly, Mr. President, but I’m afraid your surrender of the King concludes our game in Russia’s favor. Now, we shall take over Ukraine, and you agree to impose ineffective sanctions and provide inadequate support for the Ukrainian forces solely for vanity’s sake. Thank you, Mr. President.
Biden: Really? That’s it? But I didn’t do any zig-zag jumping yet! Well, Vlad, fair is fair. Quite frankly, ever since they stopped sending loot to Hunter, I couldn’t care less about Ukraine. She’s all yours, comrade – I hope it turns out just as well as both our invasions of Afghanistan did (chuckling)!
David Culver Brenner writes and produces, ProofsandSpoofs.com. His first book, The Un-Socialist Chickens, was published last year. You can email him at proofsandspoofs12@gmail.com.