Obama not Black Enough to be Biden’s Running Mate
Stung by criticism that his decision to choose a female running mate is blatant pandering to women, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has released the names of what had been his top three male vice presidential candidates before he decided to choose a woman. “When these sexist Republicans see how much more competent the gals are that I’m considering for V.P., that’ll shut ‘em up pretty quickly,” Biden said at a brief press conference after he released the list. 
Not surprisingly, Biden’s first male candidate was none other than Biden’s former boss, Barack Obama. But Biden decided that Obama “talked too much like a white guy” and would never have survived on the streets of Wilmington, De. “My man, Corn Pop, would have eaten his lunch, man,” Biden stated. “You gotta have street smarts to survive these days in politics. Frankly, I’d be the only real soul brother on a Biden-Obama ticket. ‘Cause everyone knows – especially Barack – that I’m really just a cool black dude in a white wrapper. That’s why he picked me, man — to balance the ticket.”
“By the way, any of the girls I’m considering are way tougher than Barack, too – he knows it and I know it. For goodness sakes, man, even Lizzie Warren or Ruthie Ginsberg could kick his butt,” Biden added.
Biden’s second male VP choice was Mr. Bean. He explained, “Now, I know from experience that being Vice-President doesn’t require the brains of a goat, by I still had doubts that Bean could handle it. The guy’s a total dunce, and I’m very confident that Amy, Kamala, Stacey or even that Gretchen chick are way smarter. C’mon, man, it’s not even close – this is all about ability and competence, not pandering. I mean none of these gals I’m looking at will ever win a beauty contest, that’s for sure.”
Biden revealed that his third male candidate was Curious George. “But, man, that dude is constantly sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong, and we have a lot of buttons and stuff that can’t be messed with in the Oval Office and on Air Force One.”
“I mean,” Biden continued, “I got so bored during one of Barack’s tirades against Adam Smith, I started tapping my foot against that briefcase thingamajig Barack carries around all the time. What’s that called?
“You mean the ‘nuclear football?’” a member of the media answered.
“Yeah, that’s it. Well, all these alarms start going off and Putin and Xi call on those dedicated lines all of a sudden in a big panic. I was a little embarrassed, even though Barack just laughed it off — what a great guy. So, the monkey’s out, even though he’s a lot smarter than Kirsten Gillebrand. It would have been cool to wear that yellow hat around, though.”
ProofsandSpoofs.com is written and produced by David Culver Brenner. His new book, The Un-Socialist Chickens, is available on Amazon. Learn more about it at unsocialistchickens.com