Breaking News: Biden Passes 31 Flavor Cognitive Test at Baskin Robbins
Washington, DC (AP News) – Just in time for mid-term elections, the White House has released a statement declaring that President Joe Biden enjoys stellar mental fitness after Biden named all 31 flavors available at Baskin Robbins (BR) ice cream franchises. The rigorous test was administered at a BR franchise frequented by the President in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.
White House physician Dr. Kevin O’Connor followed an impeccable methodology: he provided Biden with a two-tablespoon sample of each flavor and the President was given three guesses to correctly name the flavor. The President was afforded some latitude in naming flavors: for instance, after replying, “MAGA Brown-shirt Madness” instead of “Maui Brownie Madness,” O’Connor declared the President’s answer, “close enough.” After tasting, “Rainbow Sherbet,” the President offered, “Frutti Freeze,” which was also deemed acceptable.
Showing his impartiality, O’Connor ruled Biden’s second guess of “Nutty Kamala Fudge” as an incorrect response to “Jamocha Almond Fudge.” Also deemed unacceptable was Biden’s first guess of “Hunter Laptop Royal Screw-up,” after tasting, “Chocolate Mousse Royale.”
The President was also allowed to request additional samples of each flavor, resulting in the President consuming 341 total tablespoons of ice cream during the test. Biden’s cholesterol level was deemed dangerously high afterward, but Dr. O’Connor said the public’s “right to know” regarding the President’s exceptional mental acuity necessitated the test.
The National Ice Cream Retailers Association declared the test results as “convincing evidence of the President’s cognitive fitness.”
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