Codes for Nuclear Football Simplified to Help Biden, DoD Reveals
A top unnamed Department of Defense (DoD) official says the agency has simplified the process to launch nuclear missiles via the “nuclear football” that is with President Biden at all times. The DoD source says the President had difficulty entering the codes given his frail memory and unsteady hands. To accommodate the President, the DoD simplified the launch procedure to three choices – A, B, and C. Pressing “A” and “Enter” sends an arsenal of nuclear missiles to destroy all of Russia; pressing “B” and “Enter” completely annihilates China; and pressing “C” and “Enter” decimates both Russia and China.
Previous Presidents had the option of limiting nuclear missile attacks to individual cities and military sites around the world, but including more than the A, B, and C options overwhelmed President Biden. The DoD maintains that deterrence will actually be increased via the “ABC” process, and so has tipped off both Russia and China of the change. The downside is that other adversaries, like Iran and North Korea, no longer need to fear a nuclear attack from the U.S.
The DoD source also revealed that Biden practices using the nuclear football codes every day. Still, he often is befuddled by it, sometimes confusing the letters with specific countries. In a recent practice involving a mock attack by Russia, his DoD trainer tried to help by pointing to “A.” Biden replied, “’A? Antarctica? The Eskimos are nuking us? Those igloos sure look like missile silos. Well, we’ll warm their butts up good!”
Another time, the trainer motioned to President to press “C” in response to an attack by China and Russia. The President responded by, “Why are we blowing up Canada? Is Trump up there right now? That seems a bit drastic – maybe we should just wait until he’s in Mara-Lago, or whatever that country he owns is called.”
Given the President’s proneness to mistakes, the DoD is working on developing an even easier system. The DoD’s preference is to reduce missile launch options to a single red button marked, “Foes.” While that will likely increase casualties by 4-5 billion people compared to targeting individual cities or nations, the DoD believes it is necessitated by Biden’s cognitive deficits.
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