Elizabeth Warren Urges Native American Kin to “Sharpen Tomahawks” in Newly Released Open Letter
From: Senator Elizabeth Warren (Trump Slayer)
To: My Native American Brothers and Sisters
Kemo Sabes,
It’s truly been a trail of tears since Chief Tiny Arrow raided and overtook the White Wigwam. He has demeaned not just me, but all my blood kin in every tribe across this great land of ours. Surely, it is our birthright — we were here first! — to enjoy all the entitlements of the American Dream, including tax free fire-water. But, once again, a white man of European descent and his pale-faced allies seek to steal this birthright from us. We must not be buffaloed by the forked-tongued one’s laughable, “Make America Great Again” promises — we alone know when America was truly great — but rather sharpen our tomahawks for the battle ahead.
Therefore, I call on all of my Native-American brothers and sisters to unite. Soon, I will release smoke signals to each of our great tribes, so we may puff on the peace pipe together in Boston next year as I introduce myself as candidate for Chief. There will be ample medicinal cannabis available, which I helped to legalize, for all with valid Medicine Person prescriptions. Our 2020 raid on the White Wigwam will require much wampum, so please drop off your good condition animal skins and silver arrowheads to my campaign fund teepee when you arrive. We’ll close with an old-fashioned rain dance celebration, so be sure to bring your canoes and water-proofed deer skins!
Our leadership team will hold a pow-wow soon to discuss strategy, beat the war drums, and bow our headdresses to the Great Spirit. It will be A-maizing! I hope you’ll join us. Also, if you’re in Massachusetts, drop by for a creamy frozen treat at my family business, “Custard’s Last Stand.” Just show your DNA test results to receive a 10% squaws’ and braves’ discount. We’ll throw in free harvest-themed sprinkles if you can recall all the lyrics to the Paul Revere and the Raiders classic, “Cherokee People.”
May you always ride upwind of the fish fertilizer pile.
Peace,
Trump Slayer (Sen. Elizabeth Warren)
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