Trump Chosen for Personality Transplant Operation
In a press release today, the National Institutes for Health (NIH) announced that former President Donald Trump is one of only a handful of people nationwide selected to receive a new personality via a breakthrough procedure for people with irreparable personality disorders. Trump was chosen among thousands of candidates based on the severity of need.
Alerted to his selection, the former President attacked the program as a waste of taxpayer money. He further questioned the program’s origins: “Who’s idea was this? I bet it was that loser, Anthony Fraudster,” referring to prior NIH chief, Anthony Fauci. “Such a loser. If anyone needs a new personality, it’s that little whiny shrimp, Fauci. I’d like to take a few million of those useless Covid masks and stick them up his puny butt,” Trump added.
Trump was asked whose personality he’d most want to acquire, should he opt for the procedure.
Trump replied, “Well, not that I need it, of course, but it’d be impossible to get it from just one person. It’d have to be a combination of personalities from many, many, many great people. I mean, it’d have to be from people with like Einstein-level smarts, and the business genius of Henry Ford, Sam Walton, Steve Jobs and people like that, not to mention people with the courage and leadership of our greatest presidents, like Washington, Lincoln, and especially me, of course. And to get a personality like mine, you’d need donors with the goodness of Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King, and many, many others. And then you’d have to add in the fantastic ability of great athletes, like Tiger Woods and Tom Brady, and the good looks of Paul Newman and Brad Pitt, and so on. So, I don’t know if they can do that, but that’s pretty much the only way you could do it. But why bother, you’ve already got all that great stuff wrapped up in me already.”
Trump’s political opponents commended the NIH for offering Trump a “much-needed” personality transplant. In addition, anti-Trump media and activists weighed in on which personality they’d like Trump to receive. Three names emerged from a poll as the most popular: the late Fred Rogers, creator of the children’s TV show, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood; the fictional character, Stuart Smalley of Saturday Night Live, played by Al Franken; and Pee Wee Herman, played by the late Paul Ruebens.
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