Trump Chosen for Personality Transplant Operation In a press release today, the National Institutes for Health (NIH) announced that former President Donald Trump is one of only a handful of people nationwide selected to receive a new personality via a breakthrough procedure for people with irreparable personality disorders. Trump was chosen among thousands of candidates […]
Codes for Nuclear Football Simplified to Help Biden, DoD Reveals A top unnamed Department of Defense (DoD) official says the agency has simplified the process to launch nuclear missiles via the “nuclear football” that is with President Biden at all times. The DoD source says the President had difficulty entering the codes given his frail […]
AOC Seeks to Ban Santa Claus from U.S. Air Space Washington, D.C. (AP) — At a press conference today, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (“AOC”) proposed legislation banning Santa Claus from U.S. air space, citing his discriminatory gift-giving practices. Specifically, AOC accuses Mr. Claus of a long history of giving better and more expensive gifts to rich […]
President Biden and My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell Team Up to Give Border Crossers a “Soft Landing” In a surprising show of bipartisan cooperation, the Biden Administration is partnering with arch-conservative and pro-Trump My Pillow President, Mike Lindell, to implement a new and friendlier “Soft Landing” policy at the Southern border. Lindell has agreed to […]
Biden Already Making Vacation Plans for Expected Second Term Washington, D.C. (A.P.) – President Joe Biden, in a major show of confidence, is already planning his vacation agenda for a prospective second term, despite the fact 70 percent of Americans say the country is on the wrong track. While appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live! […]
Prince of Darkness Endorses Democrats, Gives Biden Two Big “Horns Up” Hell (A.P.) — Satan today released a statement endorsing the entire field of Democratic candidates, and praising President Joe Biden as, “the son I’ve always wanted.” The Darkest Prince added, “Joe Biden has been doing my bidding in Washington, D.C. for over 40 years; […]
Breaking News: Biden Passes 31 Flavor Cognitive Test at Baskin Robbins Washington, DC (AP News) – Just in time for mid-term elections, the White House has released a statement declaring that President Joe Biden enjoys stellar mental fitness after Biden named all 31 flavors available at Baskin Robbins (BR) ice cream franchises. The rigorous test […]
Biden: Space Aliens Have Hypnotized Americans into Thinking Economy is Worrisome Washington, D.C. (A.P.) – President Biden today revealed that the Central Intelligence Agency, National Security Agency, and Department of Defense have discovered that aliens from outer space are hypnotizing millions of Americans into thinking that economic conditions in the U.S. are troubling due to […]
Kamala Harris Says She is Victim of “Holden Caulfield Syndrome” By David Culver Brenner With only a 28 percent public approval rating, Kamala Harris is unpopular with both Republicans and Democrats. While sexism and racism surely account for her unpopularity with conservative Americans, how does she account for her low ratings among Democrats? In a […]